All the work I've done up to this point has been acknowledged by Hunter-Bellevue School of Nursing. 

I got accepted! And will be taking my first steps to become a nurse on June 6th - for orientation. Wish me luck! ^.^

Ever felt so anxious/nervous about an event coming up that would determine your life? That's where I am right now. 

As a sophomore doing an undergraduate degree at CUNY Hunter, you may say my life's just beginning and not to worry about the inevitable...but when something feel so real...something that may very well give me the running start I need...how can you say that? 

I'm talking about the nursing program at Hunter, of course. The two year program will allow me the take the boards to become an RN... possibly providing me a job right out of college. I'm not to thrilled to enter the working field so early, but I'm expecting to at least be financially stable at an early stage of my life. 

The application was due January 6th. I filled out the forms and wrote the personal statement - something I haven't written before. My GPA is average for the 300 applicants that are expected to apply and the personal statement isn't something that I'm confident will give me that tipping point for the committee...

The only thing I can do now is study my ass off for the pre-entrance exam on February 8th, and make sure I maintain my GPA for this spring semester. All the while...anxiously awaiting my fate. 

For theatre class, we're working on a creative project - that we have to present - that's much up to us, just as long as it covers something we touched upon in class. So, I picked Kabuki theatre. 

My plan is a basic powerpoint presentation, covering a brief history of it and the major aspects that make it up. There's the amazing make-up "masks", colorful costumes, staging, and music - among other things. 

Man putting on aristocratic female character make-up on. 

While I was doing research on the subject I became so fascinated with the mask-like make-up. You see...the make-up and costumes help to present a specific type of character role - princess, prince, nobleman, pauper. While I was examining the make-up masks I found something else.

Closely related to Kabuki theatre is Noh theatre, another traditional Japanese theatre - there are three types actually. Noh theatre use real masks to convey the character types. The one recurring and probably the most theatrical of the masks is the demon's mask - most known for horns and a large leering mouth with fangs. 

Apparently, the story behind this mask is quite beautiful - as is expected from Japan. The entity of the mask is a women who has become of demon because of obsession or jealousy. Most masks are made to represent different facial expressions when seen in different lighting and angles, showing the complexity of human emotion. Seen right on it appears frightening and when tilted down it appears sad. 

I couldn't find an image using the Hannya mask...=(..but you get the idea. 

Inspired by the mask...I sketched my own...rather poorly because I should actually be studying for a Japanese midterm...

Pretty darn sure I messed up the angle of the mouth...

The month is going by relatively fast. I can't believe I'm already a sophomore in college. It feels like college just started and yet it's almost over. 

A lot of growing is happening. I thought it was a bit scary to begin with, but who isn't afraid of change at first. 

With Jay half way across the globe, the adjustment is taking time. Sad to say I don't have that one person I turn to for everything. He was just always there ready and willing to listen. He kept me stable and focused through all of my tween and teenage years - wow...has it really been that long...? I can't say many people have such a constant and consistent force acting on them, so, for that, I consider myself lucky. 

It's still kind of hard...sometimes I could be taking a short break from studying, and I'll find myself thinking about him. One night a couple weeks ago, it was 4 something in the morning and I was overwhelmed with the material I had to know for my A & P class. I took a step back from the books and computer, and tried to think of what he would say/do to make everything all better. At that moment, I knew he'd hold me in his arms and just let me cry until I was okay to go again. That reminded me of all the times he'd sneak into my room at night, after my parents had gone to sleep...At that point...I really missed him...and...unfortunately just started crying and I couldn't stop. I really miss his touch. It's so light but steady... ~sigh

So, I'm trying to focus and not lose sight of the finish line, without him - talking to him once or twice a month on Skype just doesn't make up for anything...

The new guy - Andres - is cool though. I can't say I've ever had an unpleasant time with him. It's just sometimes, I wish he wouldn't ask so much of me. Last Friday, we had a strange conversation...He asked me - out of nowhere - "Do you appreciate me? I don't think you do." I was taken aback. It was like being knocked out after you won the first two rounds of a fight. I mean...give me a break. It's only been about 2 months...what do you want me to do? Confess an undying love for you? Sorry that's just not happening. 

I don't consider myself a clingy person. For the most part, I like working alone and I cherish my independence. Anyone who damages that feeling or makes me feel guilty for being proud of that can all go to hell. You're just not a positive addition to my life. 

On top of all of that, I've been looking for a job since during the summer. Just a part time job, something to keep me out of the house. Plus I think it would be a nice experience, not to mention the good pocket money. 

Earlier this month I got a call back from UNIQLO. Yep, the clothing store that has advertising at every corner in the tri-state area...I went to the interview, passed the preliminaries and the secondary interviews, and after a couple of weeks I got the call back to go in for orientation. I made the appointment for the first Saturday in October.

I really want to do this job. I think I'd be good at it, I'd meet new people from around the area and one of my friends who's already working there couldn't complain about anything. The thing is...my time management skills aren't the best. With my course load and social life alone, it would be hard to schedule in 32 hours - including weekends and two closing nights. 

I talked to Zemel and Jay and my sister...yea...they confirmed my suspicions. As much as I would like to say "I managed to get into one of the most competitive nursing programs in the city, work at a top retail store, and stayed in touch with my friends and boyfriend," it's just not realistic of me. 

Unfortunately, I still have to inform the company I won't be attending the orientation. It's just...I still want to do it. Ugh...why am I being so stingy? 

After a couple weeks of silently freaking out about being pregnant - through which there were many panicked conversations with friends, encouragement, and a bit of slap-in-the-face-get-a-hold-of-yourself-woman! moments - I finally decided to get the friggin test...

What I really wanted to do, though, was wait till I'm late by a week...Of course, my friends started playing devil's advocate. For one they said "By then, it would be about five, six weeks into the first trimester max, making the effects of the abortion pill more painful. You'll need time to schedule the doctor's appointment and make time for the process and then there's the check up appointment afterwards, ANDTHEN there's the emotional recovery...OH, all on top of classes starting soon, right?" Here I am, staring at them, all bug-eyed, trying not to pull my hair out, thinking... "IMPENDING DOOOOM! My life is OVER!" X(

On a more positive note, they also tried to tell me..."You know...it could be negative right? Having the test early will stop you from stressing so much, especially with the fall semester right around the corner." 

I'd really like to believe the latter, but I've already experienced some of the early pregnancy symptoms - clear discharge, nausea, food aversions, fatigue, short of breath (which is odd because I consider myself a semi-runner). At this point, I just want it to be over and in the past, which is why I decided to buy the test. 

I had it planned out: I can't buy it in my neighborhood because then my mother would magically find out, so I figured I would pick it up at a DR near Bellevue Hospital, a couple blocks away from Barach. No one knows me at the store - I've never been in - so everything would be fine and I would take the test before the end of my shift. That way I could dispose of the "evidence" in the privacy of the public bathroom. 

Yea well, that proved to be easier said than done. I got to the store, walked around looking for the damn tests, found it - it was at the entrance -.- looked at the price and it was $17.99 I think. Here I am, randomly thinking "Nah, I can get it cheaper at another DR not located in city." I left the store and Zemel calls me, asking "Are you at the hospital yet?(I was checking up on his recovery) And more importantly didja buy it?!" I told him what happened and he says "You better buy it after your shift. You can't be nervous anymore. This has to be done. My fuck! Shouldn't your BOYFRIEND being doing this! You know the one that may have gotten you pregnant...You know this wouldn't have happened if you and Ja......" I cut him off "Shut the fuck up! You're no longer helping...Jeez man. This is just harder than I thought it would be. I'll get it on my way home. -.-" 

Anyway, the above paragraph was unnecessary but on my way home, I went into another DR, got the First Response(#1 recommended pregnancy test for accuracy) two test kit. I walked in and for some reason my contacts are messing up my eyes so I've been wearing glasses for the last week, but I had my sunglasses on because my eyes are really sensitive to sunlight...-.-...they burn then turn red than tear...T.T not pretty...Anywho, I had to put my glasses on to find the damn test, and the security guard probably thought I was going to steal something because he was following me...Once I joined the line, the chase ended, but then I had to time the cashiers right, so that I'd get the young woman - instead of the old traditional Indian guy - that way it wouldn't be as weird. I went up and I couldn't look the woman in the face - partially because I had taken my glasses off and put my sunglasses back on...Figured I would blend better...I paid cash - $16.03 - quickly put the test in my bag and ran out of the store... 

Maybe not as awkward as it sounds but...it was for me...Don't think I want to repeat that experience even though, I'll probably have to if I get an unfavorable result. =\ 

So right now, I plan on taking it when everyone goes to sleep and the other in the morning...

Some people are addicted to video games...alcohol...drugs...food...stealing...even shopping...mine is sex...

It's a very slight compulsion in reality. Nothing serious enough to put me in a mental institution or anything...or at least I don't think so....But every once in a while it gets me into trouble.

After being in a relationship for seven years, four of which were open...I've developed a working system that fuels the impulse pretty well. Don't get me wrong or misunderstand this in anyway, though. I had maybe five or six friends with benefits that lasted up to about a year or so, over the four years. We were well protected and frequently tested. My major concern was not getting STIs but getting fucking pregnant - although, I know it shouldn't be the priority. -.- 

Throughout the years, I've had two pregnancy scares...The first was with Jay...Really corny and stupid story...-.-...We were both too young - I was 15, he was 18 - and we were "consumed by the flames of passion". In all the heat...we forgot to use a condom. It was both our responsibility annnnd we both failed...It left us fatigued for the next month, worried about what to do...For some reason we never thought to use a pregnancy test...lol? Thank goodness I wasn't pregnant and got my period the next month - I've never been so happy to bleed out my vagina, cramps and all! 

The second time was with a friend I attended school with. Um...yea, Nothing really to say there...but again, young and stupid....Don't be young and stupid kiddies. 

Well, after the first couple times, I picked up some guidelines just to have some peace of mine, so I and the guy could/can have some fun. The top three are: Obviously, no penetration without a condom! Learned that the fucking hard way. Not going back on it! Never reuse condoms. It's gross for both parties involved...-.-...and the condom could break the latter times...Don't put the condom on, take it off because you're not ready, and then put the same one on again...it's a slim chance but the condom could, once again, BREAK! Don't be CHEAP, just to save a couple bucks! Kids AND aborting costs way more...

In any case, it seems I've done it again...After having regular sex for a few years already, my body has gotten used to it. So, a month without nothing almost killed me -___- Last Wednesday, I was glad to set up a day with Andres...Everything went well, until I realized he's not too great while he's high...lol? Maybe I was too enthusiastic as well because guideline three was broken and the condom broke without either of us noticing it until it was kind of too late...o_o 

Well now, at least he's calm. I guess that's a good thing...On the other hand, I don't particularly like that fact because he's "You can just take a pill or get an abortion. I'll pay for it. No worries." It's good that he'll pay for it an everything because I don't have a steady job right now, but I don't want him to use it as an edge to hang over my head...Call it pride or whatever, but he has this nack - like my father - to use past mistakes to crush you in a present argument. I can definitely picture it coming up in a future argument...-.-...if it were to happen.

Then, there's the whole thing of it happening to MY body, not HIS. He won't be the one physically scarred by the pill/abortion and fucked up because of it, which is why he has no right to say that, even if he's just trying to help. 

Why couldn't I be addicted to something not-so-dangerous...like drinking water or eating fruits and vegetables...? -..-

You can't tell me I haven't tried! I've gone store to store around my neighborhood, went to the mall, had my cousin ask his peoples, filled out tons of applications and yet...NOTHING! -.-...T.T...At least nothing that wasn't during the graveyard shift...or required me to spend money to do take an exam...

Well...I'm still trying with just a month left of my summer vaca. My college - CUNY Hunter's human resources, specifically - sent out an email. Apparently, there's 30 available positions available at a Victoria's Secret near the college that I'm qualified for. I'm going goddamnit! Even if it kills me! lol. Plus they're having a sale and I'm in need of bras/panties...-.-...like since June...that I've been too lazy to cross off my "to-do list". (Who actually crosses things out tho...? o.0 lol) 

On Wednesday, at 11:00 I'm finally taking a driving course - 10 lessons package for $355. I got my permit in like June sometime...But then, of course, life is never roses, justs dandelions. At this point my father was working like triple shifts and too exhausted to take me out, so, I didn't push it. I want when I get into the car and start the hands-on training to be positive. At least, this way I'll be confident...my mother got into a car accident a couple years ago and automobiles aren't exactly the safest things...

A couple weeks later, I think, my father stopped talking to me...I suppose it's his punishment for me, after I went out and had fun with a few friends, after being a straight "A" student for forever, while doing chores and helping my mother...FYI, my mother wants me to apoligize to him because he's become miserable and the household has become this fake happy surface layer covering tension and ill-feelings...- although, I guess that's what it's always been...=( Pssh, and people wonder why I'm so messed up! lol. Gotta say though, I know where/why I've mastered the ability to be fake! lol. Just not on Xanga tho. Can't say there's a reason TO be fake here. ^.~ 

Anyway, I'm looking forward to Wednesday though and not because of the driving lesson, but because it's the day I get to see Andres...Ugh...I really wished we spent more time together. I mean even when we say we'll meet on another day of the week, he never wakes up...=(...Just last Thursday, we were suppose to meet at his place. I would be doing all the travelling and everything, all he had to do was be awake...couldn't even do that...Ah well. I guess his graveyard shift is really straining him...then again, I can't help but think I'm making excuses for him...=( He didn't even text/call to apologize...double =(...

I'm wondering if maybe it's too soon to have started a new relationship with the potential for serious...Maybe I should just end it and take care of myself for now. That's what everyone seems to think...I kind of think so too. I'm thinking he's a rebound - even though I won't admit it out loud, outside of this website - someone I'm just trying to fill the void left by Jay's leaving...=( 

On a side note...Zemel's doing a lot better. The doctor said that he'd be fine with sufficient amount of rest, so, they sent him home with a nurse tending to his every needs...I bet he's thinking he should of done this earlier. I've seen the nurse and wow, she's definitely his type...-.-...- blonde chick with big tits! 

I've actually been spending a ton of time at his place. Between visiting him and his place being the meeting place for all our friends I'm always in Manhattan now. I love his apartment too. It's a studio and kind of small but so cozy. Definitely what I would want home to feel like. Wish I could spend more time there, with everyone. ~sigh. 

Cherish your friends. Never know when they'll be gone...^.~ Vm